Have you ever watched a British comedy program like Monty Python or Little Britain and found yourself wondering what kind of drugs the creators were taking? That’s because British humor, like our food, makes little sense to anyone born outside the UK. (Not to mention our spelling: it was painful not to write programme and humour just then).
Unfortunately, funniness is an extremely important ingredient in advertising and marketing. 90% of the best work makes you giggle. Sadly, I often find myself rolling about on the floor laughing at my jokes while local creatives stoically ignore me.
Rather than take the time to find out what the world thinks is amusing, I will follow the time-honored (honoured, damnit!) British tradition of forcing other people to like what I like. Here are a few classic British joke types.
KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES
Wikipedia tells us, “The knock-knock joke is a type of audience-participatory joke cycle.” It takes the form of cant and response, a ritual interchange between teller and listener, that generally ends in a pun or other play on words.
Who’s there?
The knock-knock joke was almost certainly inspired by a scene from Shakespeare’s Macbeth. However, while it may have highbrow origins, it grew like bacteria in a petri dish on school playgrounds throughout the land. Britons of all ages and backgrounds will undergo a Pavlovian response if you greet them with a hearty “knock-knock”.
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? No bell. That’s why I knocked.
Knock-knock. Who’s there? To. To who? To whom.
Knock- knock. Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind. It’s pointless.
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Honeydew. Honeydew who? Honeydew you wanna dance?
Knock-knock. Who’s there? A wood wok. A wood wok who? A wood wok 500 miles, and a wood wok 500 more!
Jokes should subvert normality and laugh in the face of your expectations. Therefore, we will end on a high note of low wit.
Knock-knock. Bugger off, I’m bored of this now!
At last estimation, there are more knock-knock jokes than there are atoms in the universe. British families spend cold winter evenings coming up with new ones while burning their furniture for warmth.
SHAGGY DOG STORIES
This particular breed of British gag is a pointless, time-wasting garbage bag of disappointment. Needless to say, shaggy dog stories are extremely popular in the old country. I will not explain the format here as it will spoil your appreciation of my favorite example which follows. But you will understand when terminal tedium sets in.
Toby, the baby polar bear, was incredibly agitated. He ran up to Percy the Penguin and asked excitedly, “Am I really a polar bear?” Percy considered him carefully and replied, “In my great experience and considered opinion, you are undoubtedly a polar bear.”
Please stay awake until the punchline.
Unsatisfied, the little bear sought out Wilbur the Walrus. “Am I really a polar bear?” he asked. The walrus sighed and tersely confirmed that Toby was unquestionably a polar bear.
Next, Kenneth the Killer Whale enjoyed Toby’s company. “Am I really a polar bear?” came the inquiry. Kenneth took the time to explain that Toby was a bear. He was a white bear. Thus he was a polar bear.
Toby then met Graham the Gull and asked again, “Am I a polar bear?” Once again the question was answered in the affirmative.
At around sundown, Toby’s dad found him looking pensively at the ice floe. “What’s up, son?”
“Am I really a polar bear?” Toby asked plaintively.
“Well, I’m a polar bear. Mummy’s a polar bear. That means you’re a polar bear. Why do you ask?”
“I’m fucking cold!”
(That was the end of the joke in case you missed it.) I’m wetting myself. You are, at best, bewildered. Understand that queueing is the national pastime in the UK. British people love to wait around for nothing much to happen. Shaggy dog stories are like heroin to us.
LIGHTBULB JOKES
“A lightbulb joke is a joke cycle that asks how many people of a certain group are needed to change, replace, or screw in a lightbulb. Generally, the punchline highlights a stereotype of the target group.” Thanks again Wikipedia.
Bollocks! Now we need to find a new joke.
How many account directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
How many fatalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
What does it matter? We’re all gonna die anyway.
How many members of U2 does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Bono. He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
How many creative directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
IT’S PERFECT! YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYTHING!
How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
I hope this brief introduction to British humor has been helpful. If nothing else, it will provide a cultural background to understand things like Brexit, Boris Johnson and black pudding.
Most importantly, there are no excuses now. You have to laugh at my jokes!
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